Communication is the way we relate to people. This means if there are difficulties in communicating with each other there will be difficulties in the relationship as well. More positively, it means if you can improve one then the other will be improved too.

Relationships, like individuals, go through stages. They are not static but evolve. When we first meet someone we often go through the honeymoon stage where everything is wonderful. We have an image of each other that may be, to some extent, based on fantasy – we see what we want to see. As this stage passes then the fantasy wears off and we are faced with the reality of each other. This is the real test of the relationship.

If you are worried about your own relationship there are a few important questions you can ask yourself:

• When you talk to your partner do they seem not to ‘hear’ or understand you – do you feel you’re hitting a brick wall?

• Does your talking together become repetitive – you go round and round in circles?

• After you’ve talked do you feel confused, let down, frustrated?

• Do you only talk together a few minutes before it turns into an argument?

• Are you afraid that if you bring up a certain subject things will get even worse?

We may feel disappointed or angry that the other person is not what we thought they were. The relationship can never go back to the honeymoon stage again. But it can, maybe, move on to a better, deeper, more real relationship, albeit different. The chances of this happening depend on three things: how far apart we are in our different wants for the relationship (if too far apart then it may call for more adapting and compromise than we are willing to make), the motivation we have to make it work, and our willingness to take our share of the responsibility (always easier of course to blame the other person – ‘it’s not me, it’s them’).

When we embark on a relationship we want to be close but we fear getting hurt. It can end up being a battle for control. The one who holds power feels less vulnerable. But then the relationship itself becomes a battlefield and instead of communication there is a war of words.

The golden key to all relationships is communication. Differences are normal. Being able to resolve those differences by really listening to each other, being able to negotiate and compromise – these are the tricky things with which we can need help. Therapy offers a safe more protected place where, strangely enough, we can feel able to take more risks. When we start doing that then change really happens.